A Vengeful Perspective

Strange Days

The world is at a standstill, yet things are still changing at a rapid pace as there is this feeling of newness in the air coupled with uncertainty and denial.   A few weeks ago I found that they are going to close the office where I work.  Thankfully unlike many americans I get to keep my job in this situation, and now my home becomes my office.  This primarily will save on the commute as well as time as I become a Remote Employee.  The downside is not being able to easily/directly commune with my co-workers to discuss things, however the hours that I work makes this difficult as it is anyway, so I’m not losing too much in the deal, having already become the sole individual on my team working my shift in the organization.

Beyond that with the economy in the mess that it is in and everyone seeming to have their hand out is rather hard in and of itself.  I look and wonder why the powers that be try to cling to an economic model that just does not seem sustainable, somewhat like the worlds current energy profile.  The thing that bothers me is that it is so expensive to do the right thing.  Healthy food is expensive, efficient(green) energy saving technology is expensive,  and I’m sure the list goes on.  I understand that a lot of this is new and not mainstream items that can be easily switched on globably but it seems that the effort to do so is miniscule, with those whom have the capability to make it all happen are unwilling, uncaring, or both.  I cannot pretend to even begin to comprehend or understand these things to their full extent, for the human condition continually evolves.  Currently its path leads to extinction but that is not something anyone can be certain about.

In all I still feel rather useless, and unfocused.  There are aspects of my job I do enjoy and there is no doubt that it is still challenging to me, but what has waned is my interest in much of the subject material I guess.  Not so much the technologies behind the material but the overreaching aspect of it itself.  It is not something I can feel any great affinity for, an industry that I would not chose to work within any any other capacity than which I do currently.  There is nothing wrong with the industry that my job is related to at least in the general sense, however I do not feel that I should be doing this.  My lack of empathy for the people whom I serve makes me feel as a liability.

I do not know if it is the hours I have kept for all these years which had contributed to the decline in my health both physical and mental.   Yet I am certain that there has to have been some impact, and I’ve felt nothing less than trapped in my current position.  I cannot ignore the responsibilites and obligations to those around me, but at what cost?  I’ve noticed such things as my ability to focus and to concentrate has diminished, which could be nothing less than simple aging, but I doubt it.   Just doing simple things that I know need to be done, seems to be much more difficult than they need to be, and takes a decided force of will to acomplish things.  I simply cannot get rid of the gnawing feeling that I am supposed to be doing something else, and I feel aspects of myself tugging at me invisibly, trying to get me to where I belong.  I can not see or feel the absolute direction that these feelings are pulling me in.   I do not trust nor believe in myself to let go enough to find myself where I need to be.

I am lost.

[B]

I don’t know.

I do not know much of anything; they say that admission is perhaps the first step on the road of enlightenment; however, I do not even know if that is a road, I am even on, much less of which I am aware.  I see the path clearly lain out before me but I am frozen in place unable to take a single step forward towards where I am supposed to be, and I do not know why.

I have dreams, and aspirations, ideas, and goals, but they do not feel any more substantial than the concepts and words that describe them.  I, as their proprietor, have lost the sense of purpose to realize these things on any level and see no point in trying.  Those around me have little to no interest in such things despite my efforts to discuss them at length in hopes that they can gain a life of their own.  In coming to these realizations has demoted my status in the world from a contributor to merely a waste of space, or some sort of detractor.  Simply as I put it (useless).

It is said that we create our own luck, and if that is true then somewhere, somehow I am generating negative luck, as I feel I am beset by misfortune in some capacity.  This may or may not be true, but my perception is askew and alters my reality in some fashion, that may or may not effect others perception as well.  Either way it seems that despite my efforts to do the right thing and to chose the correct course of action, somehow I have ended upside down and I am not sure how it is I am that way.

I do not know.  I honestly do not know.  I do wish that those around me could forgive me for my failure to live up to any expectations they may have of me.  However as evidenced by the lack of an audience for these words I write here in my blog, I’m not certain it matters, after all I think others may have realized the truth about me long before I did, and seeing how I am useless, why waste their time.

[B]

Happy halloween by the way…

Useless

Useless.  I think that is a pretty apt description of how I feel about myself, and probably just an accurate description in general.  I’m certain there are many more individuals in this world that deserve the oxygen that I am consuming more than I do, and would actually do something with it to contribute to society as a whole.

Regardless here I am, not knowing why I am here, or what it is I am supposed to be doing, and everything I seem to try is horridly befouled by my inept presence and unfocused existence.  Which doesn’t help that I cannot shake the deep-rooted sorrow that penetrates to my core and bubbles to the surface now and again.  Paralyzing my existence in some sort of daydream-like stupor, which only the mask of sentience helps put others at ease.

I could use an epihpany about now.

[B]